


The Bill, Please, Along With A Sex Education Teacher

by DissociatingGhost



Category: Gintama
Genre: A bit meta, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, Kagura on the wrong side of the internet (our side), M/M, Misogyny, On (gay) relationships, Stereotypes, What are they even talking about, kinda The Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:13:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21773488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DissociatingGhost/pseuds/DissociatingGhost
Summary: That day Shinpachi had to help Otae with something-not-involving-them, so when he left,  he and Kagura unanimously  decided to spend the day doing precisely nothing, no excuses, no guilty conscience, no nagging of Glasses.Or Kagura looking for information in all the wrong places.
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki, Kagura & Sakata Gintoki, Kagura & Sakata Gintoki & Shimura Shinpachi, mentioned
Comments: 10
Kudos: 95





	The Bill, Please, Along With A Sex Education Teacher

**Author's Note:**

> Just one perspective, something I needed to be told all those years ago, please, feel free to see it differently.  
> Some Gintoki's thought are just his own as he focuses only on a problematic side(as not damn fujoshis, obviously, haha).

That day Shinpachi had to help Otae with something-not-involving-them, so when he left, he and Kagura unanimously decided to spend it doing precisely nothing, no excuses, no guilty conscience, no nagging of Glasses.

Even Yato seemed to need to take a little break between all that saving and destroying, leaving a trail of conflagration and ruins behind her.

He was determined to do just so, not distracting himself with another job or going out, only him and a new Jump, and an unopened pack of sweets, a three-way intimate meeting to which no one was invited. 

So, yeah, he ignored Kagura’s sighs over a bowl which he served her at breakfast. Infinite rice grains could make anyone a little philosophical, after all. Just try to count them - it was like opening the floodgates for a loop of self- doubt and severe feeling of your own insignificance in the vast universe. Yes, indeed, a mysterious stream of life and hakuna your tatas.

He didn’t ponder over her walk with Sadaharu either; she returned home upset and uncharacteristically scolding the dog - something about lamp posts - because _duh_ , no one wanted to see this monster humping anything.

Eating _his_ sweets, purposely loudly chewing and rustling their wrappers, crossed the line.

“Okay, okay, I give up,” he threw his arms up dramatically, moderately dramatically, actually, almost barely, too lazy to move, while lying on a couch, with Jump in his lap, when Kagura had situated herself on the opposite couch, holding his precious pack. “What’s wrong? What did I do? Do you want to talk about something? Is that it?”

He felt a pang of guilt when she visibly flinched at the tone of his voice, overpowered and reckless and crass (strong and brave and cheeky) Kagura _flinched_ , and suddenly she looked like a young girl she was, far away from her home, curling in on herself at someone else’s couch.

He put Jump down at the table between them and stared at the ceiling, at the constellations of boogers and squashed moths stuck to it. Was there the Little Bear with its brightest star, the Northern Star? He really needed its guidance.

“What is it? Do I need to break some bones for you?” He asked lightly when both of them knew perfectly well that she was so much better at it.

Breaking bones, cracking some skulls, all that jazz that required brutal brutal force.

The thing is, sometimes you needed someone to do something you normally were more than capable to do it on your own. Besides, what else he could do for her?

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her shaking her head.

She seemed so untypically subdued.

Vulnerable.

Suddenly he heard ringing in his ears and something dark was gnawing at his insides.

“Did the store run out of sukonbu?” he once again asked oh-so-very-casually-but-actually-carefully-gently, with all his might not turning towards her, keeping his gaze at the ceiling, at a strange constellation resembling an octopus eating his own tentacles, steady and unwavering.

For a moment she said nothing. Then, she pouted, “Sex is disgusting.”

Frickin hell! That’s what got her knickers in a twist?! Poor Gin-san almost got a heart attack here! When he was supposed to die from diabetes! All this foreshadowing would have gone to waste!

Then what _exactly_ she had said hit him.

Obviously, she was okay and her statement meant just that - a sudden realization of a kid before puberty.

Oi, did she really expect to talk with _him_ about it? Properly talk the talk, tell something beyond a dirty joke and a smart-ass comment? What time slots they wanted to try out this time?! Was he paid enough for that?! He needed to talk immediately with his manager.

He glanced her way.

Still pouting, with determination darkening her eyes while looking unblinking at him.

Oiiiiiii, why she didn’t talk with Otae or Otose, or someone else, someone trust-worthy?

Weeell, he hated to bring it up himself, but _he_ was _Gin-chan_ , her trust-worthy person.

Awesome. A horrible decision on her part, really.

“Why do you think so?” he asked with a level voice, practiced for such occasions like this, adrenaline-inducing situations, which usually involved fights, but whatever.

“It just is…,” Kagura muttered something darkly under her breath.

“Can’t hear you,” he singsonged while picking on his nose. He had resigned to have this conversation, but it didn’t mean he would make it easy. They both had to suffer, thoroughly, and preferably enough for Kagura to drop this conversation and her act of cute girl altogether.

“ .. why do I have to be a woman in this?!” Her sudden outburst took him by surprise, he almost didn’t stick the finger in his eye.

What.

_Whaaaaaaat?_

He scratched his ear in case the wax overtook it and he didn’t catch this right and Kagura suddenly didn’t express the desire to become a man, because he really didn’t know how he would have to bring this into conversation with Umibozu.

She was the last person he expected to say something like that. She rarely fretted over being not girly enough or being too masculine, she just was, loud, blunt, so unapologetically herself, and it was the best thing he could wish for her.

No matter what he was stating publicly.

“Do you want to change a gender?” he asked calmly, trying to understand, but mostly frantically wondering where Kyuubei was, it was a perfect cue for an arc with them, were they playing with Jugem-Jugem Shit-Tossing The Life Of Shin-chan’s Two-Day-Old Underwear Balmung Fezalion Isaac Schneider 1/3True Love 2/3 Hangnail Anxiety Betrayal Knows My Name Or Does It Really Ignore Calls Squid Dogfish Halibut Trout-Cod Dogfish This Is a Different Dogfish, I’m Talking About The Dogfish Shark Kaluga Angler Ray Yuuteimiyaoukimukou Pepepepepepepepepepepepe All’s Well That Ends Well Runny Diarrhea and missed his telepathic SOS signals? Oi, didn’t they supposed to be a prodigy of their clan?!

“No! I’m not talking about that! It’s about...,” for a moment she gestured wildly looking for the right words, then she gave up and blurted out, “Ah, it’s about you and Toshi! Why would you do such things with him?! How did you decide who is whom? Who got to be a cry-baby and weak and who is the one in control?”

Oh.

_Oooh._

He missed his earlier opportunity of getting a heart attack, but he still could go for it. That way he won’t have to talk about playing footsie with a man, when he hasn’t really talked about it with anyone - not even the aforementioned man. If he got resuscitated, he could pretend not to remember this conversation. A win-win situation.

What were the symptoms of a heart attack again?

Kagura rolled her eyes. It probably meant he had to fix his face, whatever expression it had. By the way, rude!

“If you don’t want anyone to find out about your relationship, don’t have love bites on your neck just after meeting with him,” she advised him wisely.

Before he could correct her that those were hate bites, nothing else, couldn’t she spot the difference, out of nowhere she cackled, “Shinpachi was so flustered, he couldn’t look you in the eye for a week! “

As abruptly as she had laughed, she sobered up, “You didn’t even notice. Or tell us anything.”

Despite bite in her words, he could see what was lying behind it.

Hurt.

Shinpachi probably felt it too.

If only it were that simple.

For instance, being with Toshiro usually was. Like that feeling of comradeship and unspoken understanding, the ease and natural grace with which they had found the place beside each other, to bicker or to eat together, and then, one day, surprisingly for both of them, tangled fingers in the hair and unspoken dare in the eye which someone of them in the drunken daze interpreted quite unorthodoxly.

It all started with the unplanned kiss out of spite, which for some unknown reason didn’t feel like a mistake and they both were grown-up enough to admit that, but not enough to really talk about it.

What was there to talk about, anyway? Aside from them, this whatever-the-hell-was-going-on nothing was simple, and it was a fact, fat as a bottle of mayonnaise.

He was Shiroyasha, ex-rebel, Toshiro devoted to Shinsengumi and keeping Edo safe, where samurai order was demolished and with that wakashudo, blessing male relationships. Now it was frowned upon like all samurai heritage, yada yada yada, life sucks and then you die, besides all that bullshit, he wasn’t sure himself what he was doing, what he was getting himself into, for how long it could last, it could be just a meaningless hookup, nothing more, nobody wanted them to go against shonen expectations, variety is the spice of a life, but apparently he was on a diet, for some frickin stupid reason he still felt guilty like wrongdoing someone, but who, he couldn’t tell, the point is, if he felt that way, what about much more righteous and rules upholding Toshiro?

“For now there is nothing to tell you,” he said stiffly.” If it ever changes, I will talk to both of you, “he promised, but didn’t let that matter cloud his mind, he still remembered why he couldn’t just finish this conversation with a promise of another. “What did you mean by being weak and controlling? Did Sougo talk to you about something perverted?”

No matter how much Jump’s serenades were luring him with images of other places, he was not okay with her having such a limited impression of fun times that could get her that baby-faced psychopath. 

Sexuality was a natural aspect of every person and some wrong convictions could easily twist it, turning it something dark or harmful, especially at such a young age, especially subconsciously.

The world wasn’t ready for one more overpowered, bitter sadist, let him live the rest of his days peacefully, he won’t even ask for a raise he deserved for dealing with all this ‘coming of age’ mumbo jumbo, he grew up with a bunch of idiots and turned out just _fine,_ top-notch fine, don’t even dare to deny it.

“Why would I talk with that annoying sadist?” she snorted with an air of dignity.” Isn’t it just the way it is? Someone is confident seme, someone is shy uke?”

_Someone is a man, someone is a woman?_

Damn fujoshis then. Some people were into this kind of quirky that left him dealing with this after-party mess, where reality was a little different, not quite hetero gay fantasy with one character in urgent need of sex change operation.

He would rather be a designated driver, really, and speed away right at that very moment toward the setting sun. Fast and frustrated, the movie number lost-count-decades-ago.

Did Kagura look up gay relationships when she found out about him and Toshiro?

She tried to understand it, didn’t she?

Ugh, he really had to talk about it then, didn’t he? He didn’t want to be one to blame when she decided..ugh. He didn’t want to know what she could decide on the ugly realization that in a relationship someone could expect her to be yielding, weak, just so the other person could appear to be strong.

Because that was all about, wasn’t it? Fujoshis’ world had shown her that clear division of an intimate playtime, she came to view it as a topping and bottoming and ascribing over-exaggerated characteristics accordingly.

Ah, how come they all so enjoyed simplifying things, seeing everything in black and white when there was all spectrum of colors, were they secretly run by bats or golden hamsters?

No wonder it didn’t sit right with her, that’s not the way she was, gentle and apologetic, a passive damsel in distress, while she also knew one day she might want to fall in love. Did she need those qualities to be able to be in a relationship with a man? Did she need to give up a part of her for that?

Also, maybe she was uncomfortable viewing them, him and Toshiro, in such a light, degrading them into those terms, when she knew they both have been so much more - both strong and reliable, great leaders in their own ways.

Well, at least she didn’t get into Omegaverse, in its darker parts. He would rather give up on all his sweets than explain a young girl that.

Oh, The Octopus Eating Your Own Arms, lend him strength.

“Nobody asks people about the way they use their joysticks and then decide if they are bossy pants or delicate and fragile wallflowers only based on that, on one activity which doesn’t even take a larger part of their life, “he stated in a monotone voice. “It only matters when you are looking for a hook-up, for some fun in a dark alley, because this way you show your preference at exact this moment. Because why would you limit yourself on a daily basis like that? Why not play around a little with your partner - _someone you trust_ ? Why categorize yourself?”

He cut off, suddenly concerned with his own bluntness. Did fourteen years -old girl really need to know all that? Would he not get sued for talking so freely about getting hot and bothered? Didn’t he just sound like a condescending old pervert who any moment would start selling porn mags?

But Kagura seemed to listen carefully, drinking up his words like a dry sponge, for too long exposed to the burning sunlight. Strangely enough, she appeared to be almost relaxed, even.

Well, this was awkward.

Although he believed the things he had said, the ease with it he said them still felt unnatural for him. As loudly acknowledging this part of him, even if he never considered himself being a homophobe or prude. Well, _nobody_ considered him being the latter, that’s pros for all that toilet humor.

“So, don’t just go asking people around what they do in a bed or in a relationship and then deciding what kind of people they are. I’m still me, Hijikata is still the same surly tax-theft, you can be a blood-thirsty warrior all you want, with manners of a gorilla who one day might find someone to go bananas with. Just please, not too soon, Gin-san can’t handle all this drama right now.”

In retrospect, he probably could expect the slap in the face with the bag of sweets.

“It’s not like I want it!“ Kagura bellowed, jumping off the couch. “I was only concerned about your characters’ integrity! Someone has to look after ratings!” she angrily stomped away from the room.

“Stupid Gin-chan!” He managed to hear before she slammed the front door behind her.

Well, thank kami for that, he smirked while picking up spilled out candies, if she still could get so annoyed by a mere thought of romance, it most probably meant that for the time being he didn’t have to worry about her courting someone in a manner of Yato what simply _couldn’t_ be good.

Finally, he could go back to leisurely reading Jump.

A moment later he heard the front door opening again.

“Hurry and one day bring Toshi here! No need to get sad over that mayora!” the devil’s spawn shouted and slammed the door once more.

_One day, when both of you are ready to acknowledge whatever is going on between you._

Redness spread over the tips of his ears.

_Ehh?_


End file.
